A Little Bit of Balking

I was never really upset for myself with the possibility of infertility.  Yes, it’s disappointing to think about, but I have only been sad for my husband.  I have considered adoption for many years, and am kind of relieved at the thought of not having to endure the torture that can be pregnancy.  Not meaning to put myself up on any type of platform, I merely wanted to state that to help you understand the following story a little better.

A few weekends ago, I decided to go through what I call my “treasure trunk”  My mom has been working on filling this trunk most of my life, with the trunk itself arriving during my high school years.  Filled with old school papers, numerous pictures and awards, it is the trunk of me.  There were a few things I wanted to add to the already stuffed trunk, so I thought it was time to go through and weed a little bit.  While I ended up mostly embarrassed at my former self, I also experienced a bit of loss.  You see, my mother and I are almost mirror images of each other.  Even though we are 18 years apart, we could be mistaken as sisters (if only she would realize that she looks good in jeans and throw off those old track pants).  My middle brother and I share my father’s temperament, while my younger brother and I share the same dark hair and thin build.

People won’t say of my children, “She has your nose” or “She throws fits just like you and your brother.”  And yes, I understand this is completely narcissistic.  But I wouldn’t mind having a little girl that has adorable brown hair like I did, or a little pudgy boy like my husband used to be.  In exploring the possibility of infertility, I need to begin processing these facts and potentially beginning to mourn this loss.  Adoptive moms, did you go through a similar phase?  Am I just being completely selfish here?

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2 responses to “A Little Bit of Balking

  1. Now that Ray is here, I think I mourn this need for physical ties even more than I used to for Ari. I mourn it for him because I can’t say to him: you have your mama’s nose or your daddy’s personality. We don’t know where those characteristics came from and it kind of sucks. I want him so badly to feel things like belonging and origin. So in that sense, I can relate with your loss. It sounds very real and natural. Thanks for your honesty in sharing this.

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